What happened, America?

That's today's question. And America, I hope you're paying attention, because I'm going to need answers.

Today I watched a film on Netflix, called Just One of The Guys. I'm not proud of this, you understand, because, oh my LIFE, it was a ghastly film. A cast of unknowns who remained unknown because not one of them could convincingly act their way out of a wet paper bag. Genuinely, I don't think I've seen such wooden acting since Thunderbirds.

But there was something about it. As you can see from the IMDB link, this was a 1985 film, and it's classified as a 15. And, more importantly, it's got boobies. Not "more importantly" because I particularly like boobies (although...), but more importantly because the film had a fair amount of nudity, and the world didn't actually implode because of it. Tellingly, however, there wasn't much in the way of violence, apart from the usual High School crap - it seems high schools in America are unable to function without having at least one muscle-bound jock stomping round the school, bullying the nerds and, apparently, getting the prettiest girl. I do wonder just how clichéd this old chestnut actually is, but that's beside the point right now.

The point is that, and I really can't emphasise this sufficiently - THERE WERE BOOBIES!!

So, America, back to my question - what the hell happened between 1985 and 2013 (probably earlier, remembering that whole "nipplegate" thing) to make you all so damn prudish?

I'm not saying, for one pico-second, that every film in existence should have boobies, but I question your easy acceptance of anything remotely (and often graphically) violent, and your (sometimes violent) rejection of anything vaguely naked. My brother has often said that he'd rather his children be exposed to sex than violence, because, at some point in their lives, he hopes, they'll actually get to experience sex - at NO point in their lives does he want them to experience violence. And I feel exactly the same way.

I'll write another post about my feelings towards the "porn filters" being set up by various ISPs, but I'll summarise by saying I'm not completely against them. I just wonder whether they're going to filter the all-too-prevalent, all-too-graphic violence too. Just sayin'.

And when, America, did you slip into the aforementioned, easy acceptance of all things violent? SO damn often we have "moms" banging on the "won't someone think of the CHILDREN" drum, because, Oh My God - a kid could see a NIPPLE!

America - answer me this. How, exactly, is the sight of a nipple, or even a whole bosom, going to harm a child? Do these same "moms" (and I'm sorry for the quotes, but I spell it mum) feel the need to "protect" their children from any of the violence to which they're exposed?

I'm sorry, America, I got carried away with questions, but I'm really quite curious now.

Oh, and I'm sorry/delighted to say that the film's only available on Netflix until tomorrow!

After Earth - Discussion

I went to see After Earth on Wednesday evening. On the whole, I have to say I enjoyed it. Let's face it, here we are, two days later, and I'm still thinking about it. Which is, I have to say, a LOT better than the time I went to see Avatar, and coming out of the cinema I was already moving on, thinking about my impending supper.

I've already seen some comments about things which, clearly, annoyed people. The statement from Cypher Raige, "Everything on this planet has evolved to kill humans." for example. Yes, that's a patently idiotic thing to say when humans haven't been part of the food chain in 1000 years. Mostly the local life would treat one with caution - after all, they have no idea if eating you would poison them, and they don't yet know if attacking you will result in you being a sneaky bastard with bacteria under your claws which could leave them with a nastily infected wound.

But you know what? I'm going to allow that as parental rhetoric. He's just trying to instill a bit of caution in the kid - who's unfortunate name, Kitai, is pronounced catarrh for most of the movie! After all, many parents spout much worse crap than that to make their kids do what they want. For example - "Eat your bread crusts, they're good for you." or "Eat your greens, it'll make your hair curl." I'm going to skate right over how long *I* believed that bread crusts were, somehow, different to the rest of the bread!

The fact that Catarrh Kitai threw a rock at the baboon who was menacing him? Oh yes, we're right there with the General in screaming, albeit in our heads, "NOOOO - don't throw it!" but we can also understand it - he's what? 12? Yeah, he's going to be scared, and it's not an unnatural reaction to seeing something as scary looking as a baboon. Kid must have seen Congo (1995) at some point!

I know there are many people who have commented upon the fact that young Jaden Smith appears to have but one facial expression. And while he's still only 12 (actually, a small amount of research reveals he is, in fact, 15 - sorry kid), I'm going to have to agree that the ridicule is fairly placed. He HAS only got the one facial expression. If he's not doing blank (a classic teenager expression), he's doing worried. In fact, he's ALL over worried. Like Blue Steel for Zoolander, Worried is Jaden's look in trade. You know what, kid? You've nailed it. I think it's time to add to your repertoire.

And then there's the volcano. I can't even articulate intelligently how much that exasperated me. But I'm not going to make a big thing of it. It was WAY too obviously flagged. And you're going to make a 15 year old kid run UP the volcano. Because teenagers are all well co-ordinated and there's no chance of mishap there. Glad we got that one squared away!

While there are probably many more points at which I'd like to dig, I'm going to finish with two which REALLY bugged me. Not Prometheus bugged me - now THERE was a REALLY ghastly movie. No, just a little bugged me.

The first. Now I can't remember the name of the creature they found on their alterna-Earth, but the gist of the creature is that it's completely blind, but can smell fear. OK - I'm prepared to suspend disbelief for just a second, and go with that one. It smells fear, and can thus know exactly where you are. The ONLY way to kill them is to "ghost", a state achieved by having absolutely no fear of The Beast - who, incidentally, has 2-foot long claws instead of nice, soft hands.

Just one thing, though. Humans (humans, you understand - that's us, the destructive ones. The ones who killed our own damn planet to the point we had to evacuate and find a new one. Those humans) have been on Alterna-Earth for 1000 years. That's One THOUSAND years.

And we haven't yet wiped this blind, fear-smelling SOB off the face of OUR planet? Seriously? You want me to suspend disbelief long enough to get my head around HUMANS not killing something we don't want? We made the Passenger Pigeon go extinct out of casual cruelty, along with many, many other species from sheer carelessness. And you want me to believe the human race DIDN'T, during that whole time, manage to slaughter a direct threat to our well being?

No. Just no.

And my second point. This is more by way of being a required plot change, actually. I'm sorry, if you've not actually seen the film (and you're completely unaware of how American films usually pan out), you may want to stop reading at this point.

Kitai is, of course, followed by The Beast (it's called an Ursa, sorry, and there's a complicated, and not entirely believable sub-plot as to how one gets loose on Old Earth when they crash there), but manages to fall through the crust of the volcano into a convenient water cavern. Phew, thank goodness that was there, eh? All that lava about was an accident waiting to happen. Ultimately he climbs out of the water, up a useful rock chimney. No problems here, as it happens. But at this point, why on EARTH (yes, I know, he's on Earth) would he not USE the natural features at hand? This Ursa is currently trying to get up a fissure in the rock, a natural containment point, if ever there was one. The audience are screaming (in their heads) for the child to USE this fortuitous moment and do away with the damn Ursa as he pops out of the top of the fissure. But no, he uses the time to try sending a text message (OK, I'm paraphrasing here, but he WAS trying to send the distress signal, which, in the absence of any cell towers locally, didn't want to go - I forget the actual reason it wouldn't send), allowing Ursa Gigantica to join him on the small plateau.

At which point all hell breaks loose. Ursa Gigantica (or UG, as we shall call him) sniffs the putrid scent of fear from young Kitai, and starts in on him. That's OK, we, the audience, think, Kitai has a double ended poking stick - that'll make short work of UG. Nope - that's not how it works. We have to wait for the Kid to be stomped on, almost defeated, before he decides it's time to lose his fear. Now he can't be scented any more (Yes. That'll work. The sweet smell of fear dries up THAT quickly. Suuure it does.), and is finally able to rip UG a new one.

Sorry, but really, you KNEW that was going to happen, didn't you? Kid conquers fear - all's well.

Well, you know what? THIS is how I'd have liked it to go down.

Assuming the kid's so dumb (and is IS a teenager, after all) as to continue trying to text his mates, and UG does, indeed, attain the plateau, rather than being offed more efficiently within the containing fissure, I'd have liked to see this "Danger is real, fear is a choice" BS debunked. I'd have liked the kid to get righteously angry, and see off UG in a whole NEW way. Oh yes! Teenage hormonal rage FTW!!

Feeling Nooby

As far as I can ascertain, Microsoft are in the process of "Doing a Nokia". Maybe, to be fair, I should dub this, "Doing a Palm", since Palm managed to shoot themselves, quite spectacularly, in the foot some years before Nokia followed suit. But since no one now remembers who Palm were, we'll go with my first assertion.

So, Microsoft. They've manage to piss off a sizable chunk of the Windows using community with their new OS, Windows 8 - myself included. I've got to say a big, old "Thanks" to MS for this. This is the FIRST time in literally YEARS I've found myself SO totally incapable of actually USING an OS. In addition to that, they're currently in the process of completely alienating the gaming community. While I was happy to purchase an X-Box 360 for my daughter for Christmas, there is little you could do to persuade me to buy the X-Box One. Permanent internet connection? No more than 24 hours between logon checks? Yeah, I don't think so!

I've just spent a year teaching my teachers and students how to find programs easily within Windows 7. This is simplicity itself - if the program has a shortcut somewhere in your menu system, starting to type part of the name of the shortcut will bring it up. So, for example, imagine I want to work with Publisher - I press the Start button (yes, on the keyboard), and start typing Pub.... By the time I've got that far, it's showing me, as the top result of the search, MS Publisher. We're talking 4 key presses and Enter. I'm hard pressed to work out how much more simple that could be. And after all, my PC is FULL of software.

My android devices are slightly less full, although the tablet could use a bit of clearing. I've got 5 screens to put icons on, so I can sort them in a manor suitable to how I work. I tend to group like things together, although it's possible that my idea of "like" things is not someone else's.

Now, the reason I appear to be digressing, this time, is that I've yet to find anything to recommend Windows 8 as a PC based OS. There's a tile for every app shortcut, spread across the screen in a neatly ordered, and yet confusing array. I know - I sound like your grandma! But you know, thanks to Microsoft, I now feel bewildered, and annoyed. In fact, I think I'd go so far as to say actively grumpy!

While I'm sure that the tile interface is great for a touch device, I question the utility of this for a keyboard-operated device, specifically those without a touch screen. Of course you can move the mouse over to the right, and have the screen scroll for you. And this is better than being able to search for something, how? This is better than having an organised menu system, how? The tiles are 4 times the size of the old icons on the screen, and yet many of them, those not of Microsoft's world, are simply a large background with the same icon used for previous versions of Windows. No wonder I need to scroll across.

Rumour has it that your most commonly used programs will migrate to a place of greater favour - from this I assume that the tiles of your most used programs will end up nearer the left. Less scrolling. Yes, that's definitely going to make this OS easier to use. /sarcasm.

The sad thing is that I'm not unfamiliar with an interface like this. But I can't FIND what I need to help my users. I have been vainly searching for the Control Panel (or whatever they've decided to call it for this incarnation), and I have NO idea where it is, or how even to search for it. Thank goodness for Google!

I know other people have said the same thing - why are MS so all fired up about putting the SAME interface on all their different devices? I've known Windows phone users who LOVE the interface, but I've yet to meet a PC user who has anything good to say about it. The nicest comment was "Put Classic Shell or Start 8 on the machine."

I've been using computers since 1983, mostly with success, and shall I tell you what I hate? I HATE being made to feel as if I know absolutely nothing.

Come back to me - tell me how YOU like Windows 8.