Merry Christmas Everyone!

As usual I've waited until my birthday is over before starting The Christmas Missive™. I live in the honest hope that I’ll actually finish it before it’s time to start sending cards out. Let’s face it, the alternative is that I don’t finish it, and the cards don’t get sent, either. Which makes me look churlish! I am SO sorry for my lack of preparation, because last year there weren't many cards.

Life, when working in a school, gets manic. This is not, on the whole, a problem, except that I allow myself to be sucked into the frenzy at the end of term, knowing that in a few weeks I’ll be able to relax for a week or so before Christmas. You know as well as I do, that this is a false sense of security! There’s no way I'm going to get my cards out by Christmas unless I aim to do it in early December. To a very small degree, I sympathise with those shops throwing Christmas at us in September. VERY small!

Since there was no letter last year, there are two years worth of information on which to catch up. Fret not, dear reader - I'm not going to make you sit through two years of camping in France!

However, the MOST important thing to have happened in the last couple of years is that I turned 50! Yes, I know! I hardly look a day over 49! How does Sian keep her girlishly good looks? It’s got to be confessed that hair dye plays a large part in that. Since it was a large and important birthday this year, I decided to host a sophisticated Soirée for all my highest-brow friends. Oh yes! Disco time for all! Turns out I never really left the 70s, and my love of disco is as strong now as it was during those formative years. Oh I may sneer at the chap who comes to support my PCs occasionally, rapidly catching up with me in age, and DJ-ing at clubs (to which I have an open invite) every weekend, but deep in my heart of hearts, I still believe I can dance all night! Thankfully this belief was not tested, because having decided to host the party in my school’s drama studio, we had to finish up at 11pm. My wonderful sister-in-law, Vesna, helped me plan out the food (and cook it), which was great, and I hired a proper disco DJ. Apart from the fact that he seemed to harbour the erroneous belief that disco stopped in the mid-80s, he was brilliant, and the music was fabulous! I do believe that a good time was had by all!

I expect you've already worked out that Lottie is currently in the middle of her GCSEs (which I persist in calling O-levels, to her annoyance), and has applied for a couple of colleges for next year. I think she hopes to be accepted into Farnborough 6th-Form college. Interestingly enough, she’d like to study Philosophy while there, along with Music. She’s alarmingly musical, you know. She’s been part of Farnham Youth Choir for 2½ years now. Every year the choir goes on a trip to somewhere, and the year she joined (these are school years, you understand), they went to Cincinnati for the World Choir Games competition. Apparently there isn't an overall winner in these games, but they won a gold and a silver (will clarify with Lottie, and hopefully update the letter for accuracy), visited New York, sang at Ground Zero and generally had a good time. The trip for last year (which took place at Easter 2013) was to Montreux, where they have a Choral Festival every year - turns out Montreux, apart from having a really rather good statue of Freddie Mercury (and being one of the most expensive places I've stayed), has music festivals ALL the time. It’s something of a cultural centre. THIS year’s trip will be Ireland (begorrah!), and in the wake of a successful Road-Trip to Montreux last year with my mum, we've decided that a visit to Dublin and Belfast will be a hugely entertaining activity for the upcoming Easter!

Lizzy’s just started her 2-year GCSE stint - let’s not dwell on that, shall we? She moved in with her dad last May, and, should she be asked, will tell you that I kicked her out. I suppose, technically, this is true, but there ARE extenuating circumstances! She’d been talking, oh, for simply months, about moving in with him, and I’d been making all the most encouraging noises about how NOW would be a good time to move over there. But the weeks turned into months, and suddenly her room at her dad’s place had been ready for 6 months, and she still hadn’t moved in. The actual catalyst for the move was somewhat unfortunate - just before half term last May, I received an email from a teacher telling me that this was the third time that term Lizzy had failed to bring ingredients for Home Economics. Which was, in fact, the first time I’d heard about ingredients at all. So I asked Andrew to take on, sooner rather than later, the task of assisting Lizzy with her homework and school organisation, by dint of having her live with him. Oh how she LOVES to throw that at my face when discussions bring it up! She is, thankfully, quite happy living there, and since I pick her up for school and bring her home every day, I get to see her all the time. I barely get a chance to miss her.

Just after this unfortunate event, we all went to Germany (taking a whole, hard-won day off school for the pleasure), to watch a couple of our friends redo their wedding vows! It was LOVELY! I expect I’ve mentioned the Germans, who we met at the beach some years ago? It’s such a surprise when you meet people with whom you get on SO well, and then the friendship continues. Ian and I were seated WITH the happy couple, at the “top” table (it was much more casually arranged than that, though), and I was quite touched! We actually had a great weekend, and the rain, threatening to ruin the day on Saturday, held off until Sunday. So that was nice! And supremely English to talk about it!

You know I can’t let a Christmas Message go by without mentioning the camping, don’t you? It’s rather sad that I missed last year, because that was the year my mate Jo came on holiday with us. Due to some rather sad circumstances, and a necessary cancellation from some other friends, Jo and her children (not Ed, he doesn't like camping) came with us on our Grand Tour of France. And it was brilliant. We drove down, via the Massif Central, stopping to camp near the Puy de Dome, to the Pyrenees, and finally up to the usual Atlantic coast site at which we normally stay. We had a glorious few days in the Massif, camping in an old Fort, now taken over by some Dutch people. That sounds as if they invaded directly after we’d been there - this is not, in fact, the case. They've owned the Fort for many years. The weather was gorgeous, the mosquitoes were biting, and the wine flowed. Then we drove to the Pyrenees - annoyingly enough the weather was completely pants - especially the night we had a massive thunderstorm ravage the valley! So it was with some relief we left the mountains - on the loveliest day we’d had there, showing my friends a mere glimpse of how fabulous the mountains can be. And onwards to the beach, which was quite as satisfying as expected. Lovely hot weather, smashing waves (sometimes literally, too!), and REALLY good food. I rather like going with other, proper grown ups, because we didn't end up just having the same old dish every night - there was actual variety.

That was SO good, we did the same again this year! Only we didn't stop at the Massif camp site (which was REALLY expensive, not to mention full of Dutch people), but stopped in Carcassonne for a night, and visited the city in the morning. This time the weather in the mountains was spectacular, and the trips I’d bigged up last year were able to come to fruition - thankfully everyone really enjoyed the Donjon des Aigles - especially Jo, Henry and Ellie, who ended up with parrots on them during the display. We also popped over into Spain for a picnic - a great chance to see the wonderful mountain scenery again - I've sort of missed that, you know. Sadly, the weather by the time we got to the beach was not brilliant, and we only managed two days of real sun. We did have a lovely boat trip across to Arcachon, which was a really good day - it’s a nice shopping town. We also had a crappy day looking for a launderette - how do we always end up looking for a launderette on the wettest days of the holidays? HOW?

Work and personal development continue apace - I keep saying it’s time I got a proper job, but there are a couple of things keeping me at the school. 1) I really like it. I mean REALLY! I've got unprecedented opportunities to learn new stuff, and all I have to do is put it with some facepalm moments from my users! Seriously, who wouldn't? And 2)... nope, it’s all there in number 1.

I started learning Spanish so that I could, perhaps, support Lizzy in her homework. Due to the school being very small, the children can’t just pick and choose their subjects in quite the way I was able, back in the day - so she’s ended up with two languages, and is loathing it! I've also started to refresh my knowledge of programming, but I find myself with kid-in-the-sweet-shop-itis, as I try to take on everything available. Never before has it struck me quite so strongly, that I will never, can never, know it all. You’d think that’d keep me from being so smug, wouldn't you?!

Early-Closing Wednesdays

Prompted by the incursion of my daughter in my bedroom on Sunday morning, asking to go to Specsavers in order to get her glasses fixed, I started to ponder on the current generation of youth, and their knowledge of Business Hours.

Who can forget the days, back in the 70s, when, if you wanted to change your library book, you had to visit the library on a Saturday morning. Sure, the library was open during the week, but we'd all be at school, and while there probably was time to go straight after school, we never seemed to go - which left only the scant 3 hours between 0900 and 1200 on a Saturday morning. In addition to which, the library also subscribed to Early-Closing Wednesday.

I have to assume that Early-Closing Wednesday was a direct result of some businesses being open on Saturday morning. Because we work for 5 days, and rest for 2, and in those days many more businesses were run by individuals rather than the corporations currently doing the job. If a person owned their business, they'd work there, and maybe employ some help. But the model, then, was that the owner worked when the shop/business was open. And so the shops would be open for some form of 5/2 split. Maybe the shop would be open all day on Saturday (I don't remember many shops which closed at lunchtime), and then have a whole day during the week when they'd be unavailable.

And what, I hear you cry, became of the business should the owner wish to take holiday? Quite. The business would have a polite notice affixed to the door, detailing the intended holiday dates, and that the business would be closed for that period. Apologies.

But we have a generation of kids who know nothing of this. Why can't she take her glasses to Specsavers on a Sunday morning? The supermarkets are available on Sunday, as are many clothes shops. But a lot of "real" businesses, such as banks and strangely, libraries, still adhere, as best they can, to that old model from my own youth. Thus, while it's possible to do a small amount of high-street banking on a Saturday morning, most "proper" banks are unable to deal with anything more than a few deposits or withdrawals. You certainly can't set up a new bank account. It's no wonder that having bank accounts with building societies became so popular.

I do find it strange when businesses cling, resolutely, to old business models, despite an ever (and increasingly swiftly) changing demand from customers. Look at the Post Office - it was a few years INTO the current century before they started to accept plastic for payments. I cannot forget the embarrassment, standing at the window and being told that no, my £141 payment had to be cash or cheque, because they STILL didn't accept debit cards - and this was less than 13 years ago. I'm not sure they're up to credit cards yet, but the acceptance of any kind of plastic is a boon!

I don't really want to get started on the whole Music and Movie industry, and their heel-dragging reluctance to offer what the customers actually want - in a way, I sort of understand this, because they're SO damn big, and were able to get away with a LOT of crap for a very long time. I do, however, find it odd that a business as large as Specsavers (the Tesco of the glasses world, if you will) offers no Sunday opening at all.

Since I was a young adult, it's become the norm that ladies, whether married or not, would work. And thus our current work time model started - with the increase in both partners having to work, there were less stay-at-home mums to do the shopping at "normal" times during the week. Late-Night Thursday proved such a success with some businesses that this was extended to the rest of the week. In fact, Late-Night Thursday is probably one of the last days on which one actually wishes to shop, a point proved by the sparsity of shoppers on Thursday evenings in 2013. And while internet shopping may have a bit to do with this, the popularity of Saturday and Sunday daytime shopping, even now, might belie this assertion.

I've got to say that I'm sure the invention of Champagne Thursday was the MAIN reason that Late-Night Thursday has become so unpopular!

I realise I've not really arrived at a particular point - we all know that businesses are struggling against the ease of internet shopping - but I've forgotten how much things with which I grew up are NOT ingrained in my own children. Thus the insistence that they had to remind me about setting up their bank accounts DIRECTLY after school so we could make it to the ONLY bank who seems to do accounts with cards for teenagers, at a time when said bank was actually available to create the accounts. And my daughter's inevitable disappointment this past Sunday as I tried to explain that many businesses don't open on a Sunday!

What happened, America?

That's today's question. And America, I hope you're paying attention, because I'm going to need answers.

Today I watched a film on Netflix, called Just One of The Guys. I'm not proud of this, you understand, because, oh my LIFE, it was a ghastly film. A cast of unknowns who remained unknown because not one of them could convincingly act their way out of a wet paper bag. Genuinely, I don't think I've seen such wooden acting since Thunderbirds.

But there was something about it. As you can see from the IMDB link, this was a 1985 film, and it's classified as a 15. And, more importantly, it's got boobies. Not "more importantly" because I particularly like boobies (although...), but more importantly because the film had a fair amount of nudity, and the world didn't actually implode because of it. Tellingly, however, there wasn't much in the way of violence, apart from the usual High School crap - it seems high schools in America are unable to function without having at least one muscle-bound jock stomping round the school, bullying the nerds and, apparently, getting the prettiest girl. I do wonder just how clichéd this old chestnut actually is, but that's beside the point right now.

The point is that, and I really can't emphasise this sufficiently - THERE WERE BOOBIES!!

So, America, back to my question - what the hell happened between 1985 and 2013 (probably earlier, remembering that whole "nipplegate" thing) to make you all so damn prudish?

I'm not saying, for one pico-second, that every film in existence should have boobies, but I question your easy acceptance of anything remotely (and often graphically) violent, and your (sometimes violent) rejection of anything vaguely naked. My brother has often said that he'd rather his children be exposed to sex than violence, because, at some point in their lives, he hopes, they'll actually get to experience sex - at NO point in their lives does he want them to experience violence. And I feel exactly the same way.

I'll write another post about my feelings towards the "porn filters" being set up by various ISPs, but I'll summarise by saying I'm not completely against them. I just wonder whether they're going to filter the all-too-prevalent, all-too-graphic violence too. Just sayin'.

And when, America, did you slip into the aforementioned, easy acceptance of all things violent? SO damn often we have "moms" banging on the "won't someone think of the CHILDREN" drum, because, Oh My God - a kid could see a NIPPLE!

America - answer me this. How, exactly, is the sight of a nipple, or even a whole bosom, going to harm a child? Do these same "moms" (and I'm sorry for the quotes, but I spell it mum) feel the need to "protect" their children from any of the violence to which they're exposed?

I'm sorry, America, I got carried away with questions, but I'm really quite curious now.

Oh, and I'm sorry/delighted to say that the film's only available on Netflix until tomorrow!

After Earth - Discussion

I went to see After Earth on Wednesday evening. On the whole, I have to say I enjoyed it. Let's face it, here we are, two days later, and I'm still thinking about it. Which is, I have to say, a LOT better than the time I went to see Avatar, and coming out of the cinema I was already moving on, thinking about my impending supper.

I've already seen some comments about things which, clearly, annoyed people. The statement from Cypher Raige, "Everything on this planet has evolved to kill humans." for example. Yes, that's a patently idiotic thing to say when humans haven't been part of the food chain in 1000 years. Mostly the local life would treat one with caution - after all, they have no idea if eating you would poison them, and they don't yet know if attacking you will result in you being a sneaky bastard with bacteria under your claws which could leave them with a nastily infected wound.

But you know what? I'm going to allow that as parental rhetoric. He's just trying to instill a bit of caution in the kid - who's unfortunate name, Kitai, is pronounced catarrh for most of the movie! After all, many parents spout much worse crap than that to make their kids do what they want. For example - "Eat your bread crusts, they're good for you." or "Eat your greens, it'll make your hair curl." I'm going to skate right over how long *I* believed that bread crusts were, somehow, different to the rest of the bread!

The fact that Catarrh Kitai threw a rock at the baboon who was menacing him? Oh yes, we're right there with the General in screaming, albeit in our heads, "NOOOO - don't throw it!" but we can also understand it - he's what? 12? Yeah, he's going to be scared, and it's not an unnatural reaction to seeing something as scary looking as a baboon. Kid must have seen Congo (1995) at some point!

I know there are many people who have commented upon the fact that young Jaden Smith appears to have but one facial expression. And while he's still only 12 (actually, a small amount of research reveals he is, in fact, 15 - sorry kid), I'm going to have to agree that the ridicule is fairly placed. He HAS only got the one facial expression. If he's not doing blank (a classic teenager expression), he's doing worried. In fact, he's ALL over worried. Like Blue Steel for Zoolander, Worried is Jaden's look in trade. You know what, kid? You've nailed it. I think it's time to add to your repertoire.

And then there's the volcano. I can't even articulate intelligently how much that exasperated me. But I'm not going to make a big thing of it. It was WAY too obviously flagged. And you're going to make a 15 year old kid run UP the volcano. Because teenagers are all well co-ordinated and there's no chance of mishap there. Glad we got that one squared away!

While there are probably many more points at which I'd like to dig, I'm going to finish with two which REALLY bugged me. Not Prometheus bugged me - now THERE was a REALLY ghastly movie. No, just a little bugged me.

The first. Now I can't remember the name of the creature they found on their alterna-Earth, but the gist of the creature is that it's completely blind, but can smell fear. OK - I'm prepared to suspend disbelief for just a second, and go with that one. It smells fear, and can thus know exactly where you are. The ONLY way to kill them is to "ghost", a state achieved by having absolutely no fear of The Beast - who, incidentally, has 2-foot long claws instead of nice, soft hands.

Just one thing, though. Humans (humans, you understand - that's us, the destructive ones. The ones who killed our own damn planet to the point we had to evacuate and find a new one. Those humans) have been on Alterna-Earth for 1000 years. That's One THOUSAND years.

And we haven't yet wiped this blind, fear-smelling SOB off the face of OUR planet? Seriously? You want me to suspend disbelief long enough to get my head around HUMANS not killing something we don't want? We made the Passenger Pigeon go extinct out of casual cruelty, along with many, many other species from sheer carelessness. And you want me to believe the human race DIDN'T, during that whole time, manage to slaughter a direct threat to our well being?

No. Just no.

And my second point. This is more by way of being a required plot change, actually. I'm sorry, if you've not actually seen the film (and you're completely unaware of how American films usually pan out), you may want to stop reading at this point.

Kitai is, of course, followed by The Beast (it's called an Ursa, sorry, and there's a complicated, and not entirely believable sub-plot as to how one gets loose on Old Earth when they crash there), but manages to fall through the crust of the volcano into a convenient water cavern. Phew, thank goodness that was there, eh? All that lava about was an accident waiting to happen. Ultimately he climbs out of the water, up a useful rock chimney. No problems here, as it happens. But at this point, why on EARTH (yes, I know, he's on Earth) would he not USE the natural features at hand? This Ursa is currently trying to get up a fissure in the rock, a natural containment point, if ever there was one. The audience are screaming (in their heads) for the child to USE this fortuitous moment and do away with the damn Ursa as he pops out of the top of the fissure. But no, he uses the time to try sending a text message (OK, I'm paraphrasing here, but he WAS trying to send the distress signal, which, in the absence of any cell towers locally, didn't want to go - I forget the actual reason it wouldn't send), allowing Ursa Gigantica to join him on the small plateau.

At which point all hell breaks loose. Ursa Gigantica (or UG, as we shall call him) sniffs the putrid scent of fear from young Kitai, and starts in on him. That's OK, we, the audience, think, Kitai has a double ended poking stick - that'll make short work of UG. Nope - that's not how it works. We have to wait for the Kid to be stomped on, almost defeated, before he decides it's time to lose his fear. Now he can't be scented any more (Yes. That'll work. The sweet smell of fear dries up THAT quickly. Suuure it does.), and is finally able to rip UG a new one.

Sorry, but really, you KNEW that was going to happen, didn't you? Kid conquers fear - all's well.

Well, you know what? THIS is how I'd have liked it to go down.

Assuming the kid's so dumb (and is IS a teenager, after all) as to continue trying to text his mates, and UG does, indeed, attain the plateau, rather than being offed more efficiently within the containing fissure, I'd have liked to see this "Danger is real, fear is a choice" BS debunked. I'd have liked the kid to get righteously angry, and see off UG in a whole NEW way. Oh yes! Teenage hormonal rage FTW!!

Feeling Nooby

As far as I can ascertain, Microsoft are in the process of "Doing a Nokia". Maybe, to be fair, I should dub this, "Doing a Palm", since Palm managed to shoot themselves, quite spectacularly, in the foot some years before Nokia followed suit. But since no one now remembers who Palm were, we'll go with my first assertion.

So, Microsoft. They've manage to piss off a sizable chunk of the Windows using community with their new OS, Windows 8 - myself included. I've got to say a big, old "Thanks" to MS for this. This is the FIRST time in literally YEARS I've found myself SO totally incapable of actually USING an OS. In addition to that, they're currently in the process of completely alienating the gaming community. While I was happy to purchase an X-Box 360 for my daughter for Christmas, there is little you could do to persuade me to buy the X-Box One. Permanent internet connection? No more than 24 hours between logon checks? Yeah, I don't think so!

I've just spent a year teaching my teachers and students how to find programs easily within Windows 7. This is simplicity itself - if the program has a shortcut somewhere in your menu system, starting to type part of the name of the shortcut will bring it up. So, for example, imagine I want to work with Publisher - I press the Start button (yes, on the keyboard), and start typing Pub.... By the time I've got that far, it's showing me, as the top result of the search, MS Publisher. We're talking 4 key presses and Enter. I'm hard pressed to work out how much more simple that could be. And after all, my PC is FULL of software.

My android devices are slightly less full, although the tablet could use a bit of clearing. I've got 5 screens to put icons on, so I can sort them in a manor suitable to how I work. I tend to group like things together, although it's possible that my idea of "like" things is not someone else's.

Now, the reason I appear to be digressing, this time, is that I've yet to find anything to recommend Windows 8 as a PC based OS. There's a tile for every app shortcut, spread across the screen in a neatly ordered, and yet confusing array. I know - I sound like your grandma! But you know, thanks to Microsoft, I now feel bewildered, and annoyed. In fact, I think I'd go so far as to say actively grumpy!

While I'm sure that the tile interface is great for a touch device, I question the utility of this for a keyboard-operated device, specifically those without a touch screen. Of course you can move the mouse over to the right, and have the screen scroll for you. And this is better than being able to search for something, how? This is better than having an organised menu system, how? The tiles are 4 times the size of the old icons on the screen, and yet many of them, those not of Microsoft's world, are simply a large background with the same icon used for previous versions of Windows. No wonder I need to scroll across.

Rumour has it that your most commonly used programs will migrate to a place of greater favour - from this I assume that the tiles of your most used programs will end up nearer the left. Less scrolling. Yes, that's definitely going to make this OS easier to use. /sarcasm.

The sad thing is that I'm not unfamiliar with an interface like this. But I can't FIND what I need to help my users. I have been vainly searching for the Control Panel (or whatever they've decided to call it for this incarnation), and I have NO idea where it is, or how even to search for it. Thank goodness for Google!

I know other people have said the same thing - why are MS so all fired up about putting the SAME interface on all their different devices? I've known Windows phone users who LOVE the interface, but I've yet to meet a PC user who has anything good to say about it. The nicest comment was "Put Classic Shell or Start 8 on the machine."

I've been using computers since 1983, mostly with success, and shall I tell you what I hate? I HATE being made to feel as if I know absolutely nothing.

Come back to me - tell me how YOU like Windows 8.

Modern Art - a lot like Marmite

Whenever I think about Modern Art, I'm reminded of the Rowan Atkinson quote about Modern Architects - "Ask a modern architect to design you a building, and you end up with something that looks like a dustbin with a bicycle on top." And this is somewhat how I feel about modern art.

I find myself perplexed, a lot of the time. There is, occasionally, a feeling that my daughters, when they were 4, could have produced a piece of work of at least that quality, possibly better. I'm convinced that some of Picasso's pieces were phoned in, because he CBA to actually come up with a finished picture. I've seen some of his better stuff, you understand - it's GOOD! Whatever one may think about women with eyes in places where eyes were never meant to be, the work is revolutionary. There is, however, a piece of his work at the Tate Modern right now which definitely comes under the CBA heading. It looks as if he had some paint over from a bigger work, but he'd already put his brushes into the cleaning solution, and so he used his fingers. It looks like a lazy piece of work. I absolutely HATE it. I was all fired up to declare Picasso a crap painter, when I remembered that he's actually done a bunch of REALLY good, albeit strange-eyed, work. It would be unfair to say that his work is all dreadful, based on one, not particularly good example.

After all, there was one installation consisting of an entire room (ok, not THAT large a room) which had 4 large canvasses, each of which was covered in swirls of red paint. Not meticulously painted swirls, you understand, but the sort you could reproduce on the wall of a room you were painting with a 1" brush dipped in red emulsion. Now, while it has to be said that I enjoy my art work to be more colourful, this is what I'd classify as a lazy-arsed piece of work. That said, I'm in awe of someone who can SELL such a piece on the basis of a weasely worded piece of text about "imagining the negative space". I'll never forget the time, in my A-level art class, when I'd been messing about for the whole of the lesson (seriously, you DIDN'T mess about through at least one lesson during A-levels?), had produced nothing, and as the art teacher did his rounds, I drew a number of vertical and horizontal lines on the paper, and told the teacher is was a graphical representation of a cedar tree. I don't know if the teacher bought it, but he nodded sagely and wandered on.

There was an installation consisting of no more than wood, parcel tape and polystyrene dummies heads. Another perplexing piece, and although the parcel tape had been applied with enviable precision, I was unable to LIKE it. I could admire the effort involved in the application of parcel tape, as there was not an unsightly bump (unlike MANY of my own attempts with that sticky material), it was a bewildering and disturbing installation.

And then there were some wonderful pieces. The planks of wood, cut in geometric designs...

Wood

For some reason, I LOVE this installation. Something here makes me want to touch the wood. I want to run my fingers over those cuts, and feel the sharpness of the serrated edges, feel the points of the little square pyramids. Why on earth do I like this one so much?

Another work, cunningly entitled "Clarinet on a Mantelpiece" is, for all that I'm buggered if I can find either the clarinet OR the mantelpiece, a wonderful picture. I can imagine having that on my wall at home, and finding a new way each day to completely and utterly fail in finding the items. I DID find a dog in there...

Clarinet on Mantelpiece

Well, I THOUGHT it was a dog. Oh! I've just googled it, and it is, in fact, called Clarinet and a Bottle of Rum on a Mantelpiece. I know - it's not particularly colourful, is it? And yet I'd love to find wall space for it. And for the record, I'm also failing to find the bottle of rum, either...

And so to the crux of the matter.

Modern Art makes you FEEL! You can feel deep hatred, ecstatic joy, warmth, annoyed, or slightly disturbed (and sometimes VERY disturbed), but you can't come away from a visit to a Modern Art Gallery without quite a strong opinion of the work. The one thing I DIDN'T feel was indifferent.

This is the Year of the eBook

Oh yes, dear readers, this is the Year of the eBook.

As it happens, I've been reading ebooks for quite some time now, on one device or another. My early experiments with ebooks having been conducted on my Palm Pilot, I didn't really get into ebooks until a rather later device, on which I was able to run Mobipocket - probably the Palm V, I should think. In fact, on installing Mobipocket, I discovered that if I downloaded the PC software, I was able to create my own ebooks. This and the discovery of Project Gutenberg filled my device with classics. I scanned in some of my own books, pushing them relentlessly through character recognition software unable to distinguish the old fashioned fonts of my collection of Biggles books, and filling the void manually, when the software was unable to recognise for itself.

Every time I've upgraded my device, I've installed a reasonable ebook reader, copied my books across, and continued the Odyssey. On moving to the Clié, I re-installed Mobipocket, and found that the scroll-wheel at the back of the device could be use to scroll through the pages. Nice! I moved to Nokia, where Mobipocket was quickly superseded by FB Reader, Mobipocket having no support for full screen on the touch screen devices, and requiring a complete uninstall/reinstall to allow access to the library again.

More recently, on the S3, I installed FB Reader, but I also went ahead and installed the Kindle reader. This, my friends, could have been an expensive learning curve! How easy Amazon make it for you to click Buy on a book, and how many books one buys before realising that there are only so many hours in the day! I've also been able, recently, to set up the volume keys to move on to the next page or back to the previous (thank you Ian!) Thankfully my initial buying frenzy was tempered by the fact that I'd landed in the Bargain Books corner of the Kindle Store.

And so I'm set.

The point, though, is that having moved out of the Big House, and into the Somewhat-smaller-but-all-mine House, I'm a wee bit short of space. My bookshelves are stacked with the books I had spread round the Big House. In fact they're stacked, double stacked and, quite frankly, overflowing! This is all because, as a child having to return books to the library, I vowed I'd OWN books as soon as I had funds with which to buy them. And own books I do. Despite my love of technology, there's nothing quite like the smell and feel of a book. New, old - doesn't matter. They're a wonderful, tactile experience.

Thus the decision was made. Any book on my shelf (with a few exceptions) that I can replace with an ebook copy WILL be replaced with an ebook copy. I will not, however great the saving/provocation, BUY new books without attempting to find the ebook version first. Thus on a recent trip to London, having wandered into Foyles and seen a possible book, I picked it up to purchase... And returned it, resolutely, to the shelf from whence it came! Could I, was it just possible that I was able to buy that very tome, without actually buying THAT very tome?

Indeed it WAS! Not only that, but cheaper than the paper copy in Foyles, too! This is not always the case. A recent trip to Tesco resulted in the inevitable urge, once more, to buy a book, which I resisted, safe in the knowledge that I'd be bound to find it online, and probably save a pretty penny in the process - but alas this was not to be. The ebook price was more than the discounted paperback price. It's got to be said, mean as I am, that I've not yet talked myself into the purchase of said book.

And so the plan is this: If I want a book, I MUST attempt to buy it as an ebook before succumbing to the deliciousness of print.

Now I must go and clear out my bookshelves... Wish me luck!

The Good, The Bad, and The Frankly Unhelpful

I didn't want to be in this position, but it's actually quite logical that I look after ink supplies for printers. After all, I look after the printers when something goes wrong, and I'll change a cartridge if my users aren't sure how to do it. So being the ink/consumables buyer is a logical extension of my job. Not ALL consumables, of course - paper is still handled centrally by the admin team. I'm also the person responsible for ordering projectors, although, strangely, NOT DVD players.

All of which means that I'm often wooed by companies who'd like to have my business.

I'm going to say, right here and now, that I usually frequent a site called Supplies For Schools. They have been, and continue to be, a spectacularly good site. I get 30 days credit without even having to sign up for an account (although I do believe I have one). Most of my order will usually arrive the day after I've placed it, with remaining items turning up within a week. Only a couple of times have I had to chase to get those final few items. The web site is laid out logically, and their search algorithm is efficient!

I also, but less often, use Equanet, because I have an account manager, who will help me to find new equipment. Thus when I required a new, networked printer or a projector, I gave them a list of requirements, and allowed them to choose the kit necessary. They have not yet let me down. Their search is less useful (although nothing like as spectacularly bad as the Amazon search), but if I can't find what I want, I call up my account manager and have them find it for me. Turns out that's quite efficient!

These, then, are The Good.

And so onto the wooing. As I said, I have a number of cold calls - people trying to convince my reception ladies that they've spoken to me before, trying to pretend acquaintanceship where none exists, but my ladies always catch them. Occasionally, if I've nothing urgent on, I'll talk to them. I figure it can't harm (except that now they WILL have spoken to me), and it might just help.

The conversations usually centre on the fact that I'm in charge of buying inks, and have I been to look at their web site. Usually there's a bit of incentive to sign up for their site, consisting of a regular discount or something. Many of these are perfectly adequate sites, with perfectly reasonable prices. The only problem is that SO many of them require that you create an account. Which then needs to be verified. I get that you don't want your customers making off with the goodies without paying. But the hoops through which I've been forced to jump on occasion put me off these sites.

There are, of course, the sites which simply can't compete with my usual sites.

These I refer to as The Bad.

Once in a while, however, comes a cold call of such mind-boggling idiocy that you wonder how the people are still in business. Oh, sure, I get that you're trying to drum up business, and that, maybe, you don't quite know how to price your supplies, but ASKING your customers how much they paid for their last order so that you can simply come back with a better price for their next order is just breathtakingly crass!

But it's happened to me - followed up with multiple calls and emails, all asking ME to do THEIR job. Wow! Just wow!

Other such sites have required that I sign up for an account, but refuse to send goods without prior payment by cheque. Which needs to clear before they'll even think about dispatching the goodies.

These sites are The Frankly Unhelpful. Or The Exceedingly Crass. Or The Plain, Old Ugly!

I think Supplies for Schools have it right. Apart from the fact that they just make my life easier, it's not as if schools are fly-by-night institutions. They can be verified quite simply.

I'm not going to name and shame any site - they hardly need my assistance in their chaotic rush to go out of business!

EMagazines -get your act together!

I've been browsing the magazine section of Google play store, and have been quite surprised at the vitriol directed at many of these publications in the review sections, because despite paying for a subscription, these people are having to wade through pages of ads before they reach actual content.

I get it, though, you know. I totally understand that even paid-for content needs to be supported by advertising. You never get ANY magazine or newspaper which is totally void of advertising. The more marginal the magazine, the more advertising. Unless you're talking something like Vogue or Cosmo!

I also get the readers' frustrations. In the paper world you can grab the magazine and flick through to the article you want to read. Sometimes you'll actually stop to glance at, or even read, an ad, but while the content may be presented linearly, that's SO not how it's read.

For example: I get my copy of PC Pro, and immediately flick to the readers' letters. That's my joy. Then on to the review section, where upcoming tech is drooled over - by the writers as well as me! Then, when I've read those two sections, I'll find the latest musings from John Honeyball. THEN, and only then, will I return to the front of the mag, and continue my journey. 

Actually, the very first thing I'll do is to remove ALL the ads which are going to stop me flicking easily. You know the kind: the ones printed on card, and the little booklets added in at binding time. Those are a big nope. All the other advertising gets to stay, and I'll skim it as I browse the mag. I sort of feel sorry for the advertisers who've probably paid quite a bit more for a prominent ad, but not sorry enough to let it mess with my enjoyment.

And here's where I'm in great sympathy with the people giving digital magazines the 1-star reviews. The way one is forced to read the magazine is totally linear, as if it were an ebook. In fact, as far as I can work out, the emagazine is simply a pdf version of the paper magazine. Thus the 22 pages of ads at the beginning of some of your upmarket ladies publications are right there and in your face. You've got to swipe 22 times to get started. That's the equivalent of turning, one by one, 22 individual pages in the magazine. But remember, that's not how we read. Those would be flicked past quickly, although one might stop to read one that caught the eye. Imagine, if you will, that my eye was drawn to the main story on the front cover. I could flick randomly through the mag to find the article, or I could use the handy dandy index at the front of the publication. Which is exactly how the digital versions should work - seriously, this has been a function of ebooks for simply ages, and those you DO want to read linearly. Click or mash the link, and it takes you to the chapter in question. Click or mash the link in our new idea of an emagazine, and you're immediately whisked to the relevant article.

So my assertion is this: digital magazine content delivery sucks. 

Oh my word how hard it sucks! I could create a PowerPoint presentation which would do the job better, but I wouldn't bother to put ads in it. There must be a way to deliver really good content in a way that uses the computer-like abilities of our phones and tablets, and yet still utilises the advertising base. Sure, digital magazines are in their infancy, but since I've had to download a dedicated reader app to get my content, surely it's not beyond the imagination that the content be presented more along the lines of a web page. Many apps are ad assisted, with little banners coming up at the bottom, so that's just one of the imaginative ways ads could be presented in a digital mag. Since the method of reading magazines and books is completely different, surely it's not beyond the bounds of possibility to attempt a different model?

And while I'm still not done with my rant, there's the question of pricing. I find myself surprised, nay astonished that some publishers have the gall to charge MORE for the digital version than the actual printed-on-honest-to-goodness-paper-and-delivered-via-post version. There is NO argument you can make that will convince me to pay MORE for a digital version than a paper version until you add more content/usability to MAKE it worth it.

If you're going to charge more for the digital version, the least you can do is ADD value. Otherwise, charge less for this burgeoning market, deliver the lazy pdf-alike version and reap those 1-star reviews.