The Shift key, and all its uses, many and varied.

I'm sorry - it's been quite some time since I popped online to rant at you, and I'd have to forgive you for thinking that I've fallen off a cliff or joined a bizarre religious sect.

Neither of those things could be farther from the truth, as it happens. I've been busy, and anyway, nothing has popped up on which I felt passionate enough to have a go at. Oh, that's not, strictly speaking, true. I did start a couple of posts, but got rather side tracked, and they ended up going nowhere. That was pretty bizarre in itself - it's odd to lose momentum halfway through a piece, and realise you've lost track of where it's supposed to be going.

However, digression over.

I joined an online dating site. I wondered if it was possible to find a similar geeky person, so about 36 hours ago I put myself out there (plentyoffish, if you want to go and have a peek at my profile...) and joined up. You know what I'm looking for. I want a geek; someone who shares a fair few interests with me, but maybe has some of his own. I'd like to be able to have a regular movie partner and someone to talk gadgets and Manga/Anime with. I figured it wouldn't be too hard to find someone geeky on the net - after all, it's where we all hang out.

Within the last 36 hours I've already had one proposition, and meet a nice man with a GT550. Sadly he's put down that he's an occasional smoker, so the girls have rejected him. I've had a ping from an accountant with absolutely nothing in common, who wants to meet. And the number of profiles I've read where even the most rudimentary grammar has been completely ignored is ridiculous.

Would someone please tell me why it's SO difficult to remember to press the shift key at the beginning of a sentence? There seem to be a huge number of men (I didn't check out any of the female profiles - if it's not Nigella, I'm not interested) who don't know where the shift key is, and can't find the full stop or comma keys. They're completely ignorant of what the apostrophe key is for, and probably don't know where to find it anyway. And how many people tell me they've got a degree of some sort, and still can't work out the difference between your, you're and yore (OK, I'm exaggerating - no one has used any sentence in which yore would be correct). But I think the most appalling thing is the inability to properly capitalise.

Now, while I can understand that you might leave off capitals when you're chatting online with someone (after all, unless you're a touch typist, you're probably picking over the keys with a couple of index fingers) and you're in a hurry, I find it a lot more difficult to understand writing your whole profile in lower case, with incorrect/no punctuation. While I find it quite difficult to forgive the inability to differentiate between your and you're, I can understand it.

And the saddest part is that I read a profile of a guy who said all this, but he came across as an arrogant son-of-a-bitch who I didn't want to contact! Actually, I decided I didn't want to contact him because he detailed a couple of unsuccessful dates - who does that? If it's unsuccessful, move on and try to leave the poor girl with some semblance of dignity. Just because you found her a scrap overweight, it's rather insensitive to put it up online.

Available for Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

A few years ago (before I actually hit the dreaded 40), I had a bit of a mid-life crisis - basically I decided that I was far too ugly, old and fat for anyone to fancy me, especially my husband. So I went down to the local beauty salon, and was waxed to within an inch of my life.

"What on Earth," I hear you asking, in exasperation, "Has that got to do with being old, fat or ugly? After all, being waxed is hardly going to help with any one of those problems. Don't you need liposuction and a facelift...?"

Obviously not, and no, it's not going to help directly with any of those perceived problems. However, it’s a massive confidence booster. But, once again, I digress, so, racing swiftly to the point, it was my husbands reaction which surprised me most. He actually asked me if I was having an affair! I mean, you can see where he's coming from, but it was such a surprise, especially in light of the old/fat/ugly feelings already mentioned.

So, that was the married me. Now, here I am, freshly single, and I let it out to a few people that I'm back on the shelf, and suddenly I'm as in-demand as I was 20 years ago. I remember a particularly busy year, when it seemed that everyone invited me to be their date for their company Christmas parties (and yes, I did feel like the scrapings at the bottom of the barrel), and in the here and now I've already received an offer of being a date for someone’s corporate bash.

Therefore, I'd like to make it clear that I'm available for Christmas parties, Weddings, and corporate events. This is why I make a really good date.

§ I'm much more convincing than a proper escort, because I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, and thin as a twig.

§ Feed me a couple of glasses of Champagne/Pimms, and I'll get a bit giggly, and start telling off-colour jokes - can you really see a proper escort dong that?

§ Finally, my age is so much more convincing. Unless you’re Richard Gere, no-one’s going to believe you’re going out with a girl who looks like Julia Roberts.

Perhaps, in the light of those off-colour jokes, I should avoid Bar Mitzvahs, though.